It is with great displeasure that I transcribe these bitter yet humble words. Forgive me for it has been 18 days since my last blogflection. But as I prepare for my ascent from this shallow grave, I feel compelled to inform you of my current state and let you dispose your own opinion of the indignities that befelled me.
The surgical intervention, according to the Barbaric Butcher (whose wolfskin headdress and g-string made of empty gord which was proudly displayed casting a medieval foreshadowing of my almost certain peril), was quite successful. But I do not share such sentiment. Upon awakening from the vile cocktail that thankfully placed me in an amnesiac slumber, the horrors had just begun to rear their ugly heads from the Depths of Purgatory. Whilst the surgery was complete, this tale of darkness had just begun....
Upon being told that once bodily function and excretion can be returned with confidence, I would be allowed to exscape this Prison of Pain and return to my most humble domicile to convalesce peacefully. Despite many stumbles to the Necessary Room, my faith in such an occurence began to dwindle quite rapidly. After numerous attempts to dispose of any waste, rather by accident or intention and my inability to walk such a short distance without causing unknown objects to rapidy crash to the ground due to an induced foggy stupor, it became known to me by persons employed at the Infirmary that my exodus from capture would not take place unless graphic tubal intervention of catheterous proportions took place!
At this time, I did what any courageous and God Fearing man would do when faced with such circumstances. I made a plea to all of humanity that surely someone of nearby proximity needs to borrow my Necessary Room for their own relief! And to show my appreciation and honor of such kindly act, that person would need not dispose of their waste by flushing the Throne of Uselessness. I would be quite honored and pleased to handle such a degrading and meaningless act upon its completion and proudly show such Golden Elixir to the Evil Nurse who was making no attempt to nurse me at all.
But alas, all of humanity declined my wailing pleas and walked around me as if I was deemed mad and unsafe. As I began to crawl away in my escape attempt down the never ending corridor, a gentleman with an apparent nice disposition distinguishly dressed as an electrician with a mustache resembling that of a bicycle handlebar approached me and offered his kindly assistance to facilitate my escape. He picked me up gently and with great care lead me back to my Dungeon of Dispair as I thanked him profusely for his tenderness and compassion. Hark Humanity Lives!
It is with deepest concern for your sanity that I describe the next moments! He placed me softly upon the bed and then forced me down applying restraints that appeared out of nowhere. Then smirkingly placed a cloth over my midsection. With shocking horror I realized that this gentleman is in fact no gentleman at all. But a Demon with full intent on causing me great pain. He produced a long tube that was fastened to a clear empty bag and then began to (I write this with a complete lack of any dignity whatsoever) force the tube millimeter by millimeter (metric system used for dramatic effect) through a bodily member that was clearly not designed for such an act. The pain was unbearable as my life passed before me. I heard screams of anguish and knew that someone nearby was simularly suffering and too was at death's door. Then I realized those screams from a soul that sounded as if it had been abandoned from God and all Mankind were animating from my own person. As vile liquids of various colors coursed from an unthinkable but very real source, out of my body and down the afore mentioned tube, I began to fade in and out of consciousness. As my bladder emptied its contents though the tube and into the waiting bag, my will to live emptied into certain oblivion. Darkness. Just Darkness...
Upon awakening with the greatest of discomfort, I saw that the mustachio'd gentleman imposter had cowardly fled the area and release papers were mysteriously left upon my bed. Evidence of the horrid crime was nowhere to be seen. Apparently I was free to leave at my own readiness. But in reality, the terror that envelopes my soul did not stay in that chamber of torture. I yet see it every instant that I close my eyes.
Upon my return home (which escapes my memory but not that of my hired driver who apparently had to deal with my repeated requests to be taken to McDonald's Playland so I could dance with Grimace), I decided that the only way to deal with rebuilding my health and dignity was to generously take advantage of the the healing ointments and pain reducing pills that were fortunately provided. They taketh my dignity and replace it with numbing narcotics!
The next 4 meals I ate violently left my body. Departing from my oral cavity with such loud upheaval that neighbors had a thought a crime of the most grotesque proportions had taken place! As I attempted to evacuate my violated bladder, it felt as if large pieces of forged glass were trapped inside me and were attempting to escape despite the bloodiest of consequences.
The next 6 days were filled with painful contractions and blood seepage at the surgical site which kept me in the most rabid discomfort and in need of constant undergarment changing.
But since Day 7 of My Apocalypse, I have been fortunate to make slow and almost indecipherable progress.
And at this time, 18 Days from my last blogfection, I have begun to plan my return to the trails of running imperfection so that I may once again complete my quest to DFL.
Yesterday I prepared to embark on a lightly trail run @ Cedar Ridge Preserve in an attempt to relieve my body of the recent events with toxic sweat. Perhaps a foolish attempt to detoxify my body. Yet as I turned into the entrance, a violent tempest reared upon me with large drops of rain and thunderous bolts of lightning that apparently caused distant professional athletes to cower in their dugouts. I abandoned my plans and thought it best to try again on the morrow.
Tonight I again attempted to take my humble efforts to Cedar Ridge Preserve, Then I remembered that the stately establishment does not open on Mondays. With flexible adjustment ability, I declared that I could certainly run around the neighborhood for 3 miles and half more with great ease. But as I departed, more lightning appeared with dark clouds fast approaching. This surely was not meant to be. For if God chooses to cleanse this area with rare July storms, I surely am not able to contest such acts. A message is being sent to me in such insubtle ways that I can not argue. I will attempt again tomorrow. If little else, the storms have allowed me to rekindle my enthusiasm for this blog.
I have adjusted the plans of my training so that despite my 2 week and 1 more hiatus, I shall be be on schedule to complete the race November henceforth with great confidence in my ability to create lasting indignities upon my person. For I have recently rehearsed such endeavors and now am adequately prepared to provide furtherence to such acts.